Written Lesson: Sandwiches
Sandwiches were invented in the small seaside town of Sandwich by the Earl of Sandwich, all of which were named after his invention; the Baguette.
The Earl discovered that although wholesome and delicious on its own, bread could be oh so much more when stuffs were placed in-betwixt the breadsides. And so, on one sunny morn, he decided to see what would and would not make a good sandwich. We report his original findings verbatim.
Cheese=good
Meat = good
Fish = good
Battery acid = bad
Cat = bad
Cat food = good
Salad = good
Glue = stuck to the roof of mouth, but good. Maybe add peanut flavouring?
Sand = bad
Sea water = needs more salt
Glass = bad. And painful.
Bear fur = bad
Semen = good
His morning of hard work was not in vain, for now wer Brits are free to make as many sandwhiches as we like in whatever form.
But with all things, we must be clear what is and is not a sandwhich:
BLT = sandwich
BNP = not sandwich
Tuna and mayo = sandwich
Tuba and mayo = not sandwich
Prawn = sandwich
Porn = not sandwich
Ham = sandwich
Lily Allen = not sandwich
Third law of thermodynamics = not sandwich
Nipples = not sandwich
Turkey = sandwich
Turks and keys = not sandwich
Saucer of milk = not sandwich, but remove the milk and saucer can be used to put sandwich on.
And so now you know all you need to make sandwiches.
Why not let us know how that goes?
See you next time!!
Written Lesson: DYSLEXIA
Dyslexia does not exist.
Simple as that.
What is oft referred to as dyslexia and used by those who cannot spell as a convenient excuse for their reluctance to seek out a dictionary is actually the very common affliction of word blindness.
Word blindness affects approximately 20% of the populations, which is almost a quarter of peoples in the lands. The severity of the ailment is diagnosed by the number of words with which the affectee has the symptoms. For example; one word is not be remotely serious and anyone complaining of single-word blindness would most likely be taken before the entire medical community and laughed at. On the other side of the scale, six-hundred-thousand-word blindness would mean that most of the dictionary would be unreadable and thus unspeakable, meaning the sufferer would be mute, dumb and for no reason whatsoever, let’s say this makes him deaf too.
How does this scourge plague the victim you ask?
The confuddled mind does not operate as our normal or ‘real’ peoplebrains do. They thusforcely do not see the words to which they are blind. Take this for example:
CAT
Where you or I see the word CAT, the broken and feeble mind of the blindee sees simply an empty line.
Let’s imagine for a moment that both you and I suffer from severe word blindness and try to read this famous passage from Genesis:
And Abraham to Isaac and on his . “Ow” said Isaac as he fondled with great tenacity for was only but was and because is except for although not . And while all this was The Lord tutted mightily, for it was not only but there was quite a mess and the was very sticky too.
Aren’t you glad you don’t have word blindness?
In future lessons, we’ll move on from word blindness to discuss the much less common smell blindness, taste blindness, hat blindness and the very quite dangerous car blindness.
See you next time!
Written lesson; ELECTIONS
Elections occur across the four corners of the world; England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales.
They were invented in 1974 at 1047pm, when Oliver Reed woke up one evening and drunkenly declared he was king of everything.
This caused quite a ruckus on the set of the Four Muskateers, and led to Richard Chamberlain, Michael York and Frank Finlay holding him down whilst Christopher Lee and Raquel Welch took turns kicking him in the testicles until he calmed down.
When he finally stopped frothing at the mouth and attempting to wage war on Helsinki they let him go and decided that the only way to fairly decide which of the four musketeers should be king of everything was to draw lots.
And lots they drew. Lots and lots. Lots and lots and lots and lots.
Four years later, Michael York was the only one still drawing; and it had been decided that he had drawn more than anyone ever, and should therefore be allowed to be king.
But it was too late; the monarchy had been disbanded, and the only position that remained was Member of Parliament for Preston. He decided that suicide was preferable to MPing the horrible little northern town, and tried to kill himself; but unfortunately four straight years of drawing had left him immortal – and thus Michael York will never die.
It is for precisely this reason that elections were changed to a public-vote-system rather than making the candidates draw forever. Nobody wants to be ruled by an immortal. Unless they were Sean Connery.
Of course, ‘election’ can mean something very different if you use a politically incorrect Chinese accent to say it.
So don’t do that. That would just be racist; and you’re not a racist… are you?
Oh. You are.
Sorry.
Anyway, that concludes this written lesson.
Don’t forget to vote (for me)!
